Rise Up
by memellymoo
Summary: As the clock struck midnight she knew something was wrong - Connie/Grace/Sam
1. Chapter 1

**TITLE:** Rise Up.

 **AUTHOR:** memellymoo.

 **RATING:** PG13

 **DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Casualty or anything related to it, I'm just borrowing them for a short while, I promise to put them back when I'm finished.

 **SUMMARY:** As the clock struck midnight she knew something was wrong. Connie/Grace/Sam

 _you're broken down and tired_

 _of living life on a merry-go-round_

 _and you can't find the fighter_

 _but I see it in you_

1\. "But dreams come slow and they go so fast."

Staring at the single, red cupcake Grace bit her bottom lip as her chocolate brown eyes pooled with tears, wiping them away she looked up at the clock.

"It's nearly midnight," she cried rubbing her clenched hands into her eyes to stop the tears from falling. "She hasn't ... why ... she's never ... she's never forgotten my birthday before," she sobbed, picking up the cupcake and throwing it against the wall.

"Gracie," Sam whispered, trying to soothe his distraught daughter whilst silently raging at the woman that had caused it all, the woman who despite his desperate attempts he could never seem to forget.

Pulling her arm free from her father's embrace Grace picked up her phone. "It's Grace. I'm 13 now ... not a baby anymore ... so from now on it's Grace ... I don't want to be Gracie anymore ok? You can't call me that. She calls me that ... so Grace ... I am Grace."

"Ok," Sam nodded. "Grace. I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why your mother –"

Holding up her hand Grace put a halt to his pitiful attempt to try and excuse the actions of her mother, a mother whose presence in her life had been virtually nonexistent since Christmas and the cancelled trip to Aspen.

"She could have called, she always calls but not this year, this year she didn't even send a card ... she always sends a card ... and a present ... she's the best at buying presents ... but it's not about that ... she always calls Dad, always," Grace cried, her tiny frame shaking with the emotion she felt at being so far away from her mother when she needed her the most.

Sam pulled Grace into him so she was sat on his lap and wrapped his arms around her because despite her protests to the contrary she would always be his little girl. "I'll call her."

"She won't answer," Grace sighed sadly almost resigned to the fact that her mother had forgotten her birthday.

"She might," Sam tried, needing Grace to believe him, because the minute she gave up hope was the minute her relationship with her mother was irrevocably damaged and after everything they had been through that was the last thing he wanted.

He knew he was to blame for this mess, at least part of it anyway. When he had taken Grace back to New York he really thought he was doing the right thing. Holby was toxic, everything bad that had happened to both him and his daughter had happened in that place and he was damned if he was going to let it ruin their lives anymore.

Naively though he had hoped that she might follow them that the idea of being a family with them would mean more to her than her job. Of course at first there had been threats of legal action, even an initial motion plea from her solicitor but then it had all just stopped. With a few lines in an e-mail she had told him that she was withdrawing her application for custody and that he was right; Grace was better off in New York, better off without her.

He'd held out the olive branch, booked the cabin in Aspen and told Grace to invite her mother, told her that it would be nice if they could all send the holidays together. After all Connie had promised Grace that when she was fully recovered that's what they would do; ski in Aspen and drink hot chocolate until their stomachs hurt.

He had wanted her there too. He had wanted her to see that even though Grace was ok, that even though she was happy and thriving in New York there would always be something missing and that something was her. He wanted her to realise that they could make it work but that it had to be away from Holby.

She had agreed to come, her flights were booked, they had even offered to pick her up from the airport and take her to the cabin. Grace was so excited she had changed her outfit 7 times, rewrapped her mother's Christmas present 3 times and made a playlist on her phone for the journey to the cabin.

Then exactly 37 minutes before they were due to leave she had called and told them that she would not be able to make it. That something had come up at work. He had hated her in that moment, hated what her actions were doing to their daughter, hated that she couldn't see that Holby City Hospital was not the centre of the world, that she could have a life beyond it, a better life, a life with them.

He had tried to call her back. 7 times the first day, 3 times the next and then once a day for the next couple of weeks. He wanted her to know what her actions had done, that Grace has spent most of Christmas morning in bed and then refused to open her presents, that even now almost 5 months down the line she still hadn't opened them, that she couldn't drink a cup of hot chocolate without crying.

He wanted her to know that their daughter blamed herself, that she cried herself to sleep going over and over all of the hurtful words she had ever said to her mother, every bitter look and cold shoulder and then when she could cry no more she would watch the few videos she had of them together until she fell asleep.

But most of all he just wanted to know she was ok. And he wanted her to know that they missed her.

"What if something is wrong?" Grace asked, breaking the silence.

"If something was wrong we would have heard," Sam tried to reassure her.

Grace looked down at her phone which was open on a picture of her, her mother and Simba. "4 months, 1 week and a few hours. That's how long it's been since we heard from her Dad. She's never been gone that long before. I don't think it's ever been more than a week before ... what if ... I'm worried Dad ... the voicemail, she sounded so scared ... I ...please we have to go and see her. I have to know she's ok."

"Grace we can't just fly to England," Sam argued as much as he wanted to know what was going on he really didn't think flying over there was the best idea not when he had a few more options still to try.

"This morning you said that as it was my birthday I could have anything I wanted, you promised ... and now I'm telling you ... this is what I want. I want to see my mum," Grace pleaded.

Knowing he was fighting a losing battle and that Grace was right, perhaps flying to Holby was the best thing to do, at least that way he could put his daughter's mind at rest and let her see for herself that Connie was ok.

However what he didn't know was that he could not be further from the truth and that for the last 5 months she had been fighting the battle of her life, a battle that even now no one could guarantee she would win. A fight of 1 step forward and 2 steps back as every aspect of her life gradually became taken over by the cancer as the monster continued to grow inside her fighting back against everything modern medicine threw at it.

"Please," Grace begged, turning her head and looking up at him a small smile dancing across her lips, a smile she had inherited from her mother.

Leaning down Sam placed a kiss on the top of her head. "Ok."

"Really?" Grace practically shouted, standing up so she was face-to-face with him now.

"Really," Sam agreed. "Now why don't you go upstairs and pack a bag whilst I see when the next flight is," he instructed as he walked into the study, opened his MacBook and typed something into the search engine, his mind still thousands of miles away.

CASUALTY – CASUALTY – CASUALTY

6 hours, 2 strong coffees and 20000 dollars later Sam and Grace were being settled into their first class seats on the first flight they could get out of New York. A flight that would take them to London Heathrow where he had arranged to pick up a hire car so they could drive to Holby. After that he didn't have a plan, except track down the woman whose actions – or rather lack of actions - had set all of this in motion.

"Grace what did you mean earlier when you said she sounded scared?" Sam asked, leaning over to where his daughter sat with a book in one hand and her ipad in the other.

Taking her headphones off Grace frowned. "Huh?"

"Earlier when we were at home you said your mother had sounded scared," Sam reminded her.

"I told you when I got the message, something was wrong, she ... her voice ... it didn't sound like her ... I mean it was her ... but there was something in it ... something ... odd ... she was scared I could tell, I tried to tell you but you wouldn't listen, you were so mad and angry at her ... so I stopped trying," Grace shrugged.

Sam bit his bottom lip now wasn't the time to start regretting past actions. "Do you still have it?" he asked.

Nodding Grace reached into her bag and pulled out her phone clicking through it for a few minutes she then handed it to him. "You should probably use headphones to listen."

Taking his headphones out of his carry on Sam plugged them into the socket, taking a long sip from the cup of coffee in front of him before leaning back in his seat.

Pressing play he closed his eyes and let the familiar sounds of her voice begin.

"Hello Sweetheart ... I hope you get this message before you get to the airport ... I'm so sorry Darling ... I'm not going to be able to make it this Christmas ... something's come up at work ... Merry Christmas Sweetheart ... I love you."

Listening to it for a second time Sam felt the fear wash over him. Grace was right; something about the whole message was wrong, very wrong. She didn't just sound scared she sounded terrified, her words thick with exhaustion and a million other emotions that he couldn't distinguish but what scared him most of all was the effort each word seemed to take her. An effort that sent alarm bells ringing as her laboured breaths cut through the miles between them as she stopped every few seconds as if she didn't have enough energy to manage a proper sentence.

Something was wrong, very, very wrong he realised as he handed Grace back her phone, trying not to let her see the fear in his eyes as he silently berated himself for ignoring Grace's pleas all those months ago. For not listening to the message when Grace had first received it. But regrets wouldn't change anything all he could do now was close his eyes and pray that when they got there it wasn't too late, that they could still fix this mess and that they still had time to at least try.

CASUALTY – CASUALTY – CASUALTY

Something had told him that trying her house first would be futile, that she wouldn't be there, that even if he was wrong about everything and she was fine it was 3pm in the afternoon so the likelihood of finding her anywhere other than work was practically zero.

"She's going to be so surprised to see us," Grace smiled, her eyes bright with excitement as they stepped out of the car and towards the familiar electric doors.

As Sam watched his daughter practically skip into the hospital he felt sick as he prayed that he was wrong, that the conclusion he had come to on the plane was just fear born from a guilty conscious and that when they stepped into the department they would be able to follow the familiar sound of her high heels before finding her doing what she did best; keeping everyone on their toes.

But the minute his eyes met Duffy's he knew he was right, something was really wrong with Connie, something she had purposefully kept hidden from him and Grace.

"Sam. Grace," Duffy greeted plastering on a smile for the sake of Connie's seemingly oblivious 13-year-old daughter.

"Is she in her office?" Grace asked, her weight shifting from one foot to the other as she struggled to contain her excitement, her anger of just 12 hours earlier barely registering in her emotions as she looked around, desperate to spot her mother.

"Er," Duffy stammered, looking around for someone to come and rescue her. "No. But Charlie is in his."

Sam locked eyes with Duffy and he knew then that of all the scenarios that had been running through his head the reality was going to be so much worse.

Duffy could tell straight away that he knew, perhaps not exactly what but that he could see just by looking at her that things were bad. "Grace how about you and I go and get a hot chocolate eh? I'd love to hear all about New York."

Grace looked between her father and Duffy. "No. What's wrong? Why is everyone being really strange? Something's wrong with her isn't it? Mum ... she's ... something's wrong ... I knew it," Grace realised her anger rising as she directed the last part directly at her father.

"Grace-"

"No," Grace spat, her voice so heavy with venom that the devil himself would have cowered. "I told you again and again and again that something was wrong but you wouldn't listen, you just kept telling me I was being stupid and that it was totally understandable that I would try and make excuses for her, rationalise the fact she chose work over her own daughter. But I knew ... I knew and I let you convince me I was wrong. I'm her daughter ... she's my mum ... I could feel it and I let you ... this is your entire fault," she accused as she pulled her hand free from his and stormed towards Charlie's office.

Charlie almost dropped his cup as his door was pushed open with so much force and anger it actually sent a series of papers flying off of his table. "G ... Grace ..."

"Where is she?" Grace demanded to know as Sam and Duffy came to a stop behind her.

Charlie looked up at Duffy trying to silently find out just how much Grace and Sam knew about the current situation.

Duffy shook her head. "They are here to surprise Connie."

And it was then that he realised even though Grace might have figured out something was wrong she was still in the dark about her mother's health. "Grace. Perhaps you could go and help Duffy outside while I talk to your father."

"No," Grace exclaimed, sitting down in the chair. "I'm 13-years-old, I am not a child, she's my mum, mine, nobody else's so I have more right than any of you here to know what is happening."

"Ok," Sam agreed, sitting down next to her as he made eye contact with Charlie. "You're right. You have a right to know."

Grace nodded trying to make herself appear stronger than she felt because in that moment as she could feel all of their eyes on her she knew everything was about to change.

"I'll leave you to it," Duffy whispered as she walked out of the office gently closing the door behind her.

"Charlie," Sam prompted, unsettled by the older man's silence as he could see Grace's leg bouncing up and down, something she only did when she anxious or scared.

Charlie nodded, licking his suddenly too dry lips. "How much do you know?"

"Nothing," Sam sighed, feeling slightly embarrassed by the admission, after all it was clear that these people knew more about the mother of his child than he did.

"It was my birthday yesterday," Grace began reminding everyone that she was still here. "She never forgets my birthday but yesterday there was nothing, no phone call, no message, no card no ... I knew something was wrong. Dad he ... he did too, even though he wouldn't say it out loud. She would never forget. Never."

Sam nodded in agreement. "Grace is right. When we went back to New York contact was daily, them around September, October time it became weekly and after Christmas ... Nothing. This isn't like her Charlie, she wouldn't back down ... not without a fight, not where Grace is involved."

"Leiomyosarcoma," Charlie said, sounding the word out carefully.

"How bad?" Sam asked, needing to know the facts as the doctor in him took control of the situation, later he could break down but right now he needed to know exactly what they were up against.

Charlie looked over at Grace before facing Sam again. "Bad. I don't know exactly when she was diagnosed but ... it took a while for her to come to terms with it, to accept treatment. Just before Christmas and just after her second round of chemotherapy she collapsed, that's when I found out, er ... it was also the day she was scheduled to fly to Colorado."

"That was 5 months ago nearly," Sam worried.

"She's been in hospital ever since," Charlie explained. "She collapsed because she had contracted endocarditis and was septic. She had a repeat TOE and the tumour had grown, there was also a high suspicion of metastasis in her lungs and her mitral valve was not working due to the location of the primary tumour."

"Cardiac?" Sam guessed.

Charlie sat back in his chair. "It was in her left atrium. She needed surgery to remove the tumour but with the infection, her deranged clotting, liver and kidney function they didn't think she would survive surgery. She discharged herself, made Ethan drive her to London to try and convince a Professor Cornell to perform the surgery. Her condition was critical but they wouldn't operate either, then the tumour blocked her valve and she was in cardiac failure ... knowing that without surgery she would die the Professor had no choice. She survived, just ... but a tissue biopsy confirmed it had metastasised and 6 courses of chemotherapy, a second surgery and multiple infections later ... it's not looking good Sam ... the cancer isn't responding to treatment, she has cardiac failure, pulmonary oedema and she's on dialysis."

"Where is she?" Sam demanded to know.

Looking at the door Charlie nodded towards the stairs. "CCU."

"Daddy," Grace whispered her voice catching on the word. "Is she dying? Mummy ... is she ... am I going to lose her."

Pulling his daughter onto his lap Sam shook his head, he knew that from everything Charlie was saying he should be honest with his daughter, admit to her that there was a very real possibility her mother would not survive this but he also knew that if they lost hope then everything really was over. After all this was Connie Beauchamp they were talking about, she had never lost a fight against anything before. "Not if I have anything to say about it."

"Can I see her?" Grace asked.

"Sure," Sam agreed.

Charlie stood up his eyes fixed firmly on Grace. "I'm not sure that's such a good idea, I was up there not too long ago and ..."

"I think it's exactly the right idea. Connie needs to see Grace. Grace needs to see her mother, she needs to be reminded Charlie ... reminded of everything she has to fight for," Sam explained as he took Grace by the hand and directed her towards the lift.

Once inside the lift Sam wrapped his arm around his daughter. "Grace. When you see your mother I need to warn you ... she won't look like she normally does ok. That long word; leiomyosarcoma ... well that's cancer and your mum has been having chemotherapy which has made her very poorly, she'll probably have no hair, she might be smaller and paler than you remember and the cancer ... it's in her heart which means that her heart is struggling to work properly so she might not be able to talk very much either but when you see her I need you to remember one thing ok? She's still your mother and your mother is the most stubborn, determined, strong person I know so if anyone can beat this, she can."

CASUALTY – CASUALTY – CASUALTY

Walking into Connie's private room on CCU Sam stopped, even after his little chat with Grace in the lift nothing could have prepared him for exactly just how different she would look.

Slowly Grace let go of her father's hand and walked towards the bed her mother was sleeping giving her a few minutes to allow herself to get used to all of the equipment that surrounded her before she had to pretend she wasn't scared, to act like nothing had changed and everything was going to be ok.

"What is all of this?" Grace asked her father as Connie stirred slightly, turning her head to the side before appearing to calm once more.

Motioning for Grace to come away from the bed so that they didn't wake her Sam wrapped his arm around her, needing to feel close to her.

"The big machine on the right is called a dialysis machine, because her heart isn't working properly and the chemotherapy they've been giving her is very strong your mother's kidneys are not working like they should – you see the job of the kidneys is to filter all of the bad stuff from our body, stuff we don't need and that could hurt us if we don't get rid of it – so that machine is getting rid of it for her," Sam explained trying to put it into words that a 13-year-old would understand, because even after everything Grace had been through with the crash and her recovery she was still just a 13-year-old girl who was terrified of losing her mother.

"The line in her neck is so that she can get a lot of different medicines at one time because when people are really poorly they need more medicines than their veins can handle so the doctors put it inside, into a larger vein that can handle it," Sam continued as he walked around the bed. "The one in her nose is a feeding tube; chemotherapy makes you really sick, too sick to eat sometimes so in order to keep your strength up they feed you a special type of milkshake straight into your stomach."

Sitting down on the chair Grace pointed at the drain. "I had one of those didn't I?"

"Yes. That's a tube that is going into her lungs to remove any fluid that should not be there," Sam answered.

"Is that her pee?" Grace asked her nose wrinkling up.

Sam couldn't help but smile at his daughter's reaction. "Yes. But how about we don't let on to your mother that you've worked that out ok?"

"Ok," Grace agreed. "She'd be super embarrassed. Is that breathing for her?" she asked, directing her father's attention to the white prongs in her nose that looked like oxygen tubing.

Sam leaned back in the chair, 32 hours without sleep was beginning to catch up with him. "No. She's breathing on her own Sweetie. That's something called optiflow it's oxygen but with a slightly higher pressure than the mask, the machine it's connected too warms it up and adds a little bit of moisture to it so it won't dry up her airways and so it's just like the air we breathe in."

"Do you think she's scared?" Grace worried.

"Probably, not that she'll ever admit it," Sam agreed.

"Are you scared?" Grace asked her father.

Sam looked over the woman in the bed. "Yes. But you know what? It's ok to be scared because sometimes fear makes us strong and even though we're scared we need to be strong because ... she needs us to be strong even though she will probably try and pretend that she's ok and that she can do it on her own but that will just be because she's scared ... and doesn't want us to see that."

"But we won't listen, will we? Daddy please ... promise me that we won't leave ...that we will stay here in Holby at least until she is well enough to come home with us," Grace pleaded.

"I promise. We are not going anywhere, no matter what she says," Sam reassured his daughter.

The moment between Sam and Grace was broken as Connie begin to shift in her sleep before her eyes fluttered open.

"Gracie," Connie whispered, reaching a shaking hand out towards her daughter. "I was hoping I would dream about you again today."

"Mummy," Grace stammered taking hold of her hand and sitting down in the chair nearest the bed.

Connie moved her thumb backwards and forwards against her daughter's hand. "So real ... I can actually feel you."

"It's not a dream," Grace whispered into her mother's ear, reaching up and wiping away her tears. "I'm here. Daddy and I ... we knew something was wrong ... I could feel it ... in my heart ... so we came ... and we're here ... forever."

The corner of Connie's mouth lifted into a smile, a tiny ghost of a smile but even so to Charlie who was watching through the window it was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen and made him realise that perhaps Sam was right and that despite Connie's regular protests to the contrary having Grace back in her life was exactly what the Clinical Lead needed.

"Gracie. I have missed you so much Sweetheart," Connie breathed, her voice strained.

Lying her head down onto the pillow next to her mother's head Grace closed her eyes. "It's ok if you call me Gracie," she whispered into her ear. "Just don't tell dad ok? Mummy ... I missed you too."


	2. Chapter 2

2.

"Dad. Dad. Daddy," Grace whispered into his ear as she gently shook him.

Sitting up Sam rubbed his eyes, looking around the office he remembered back to last night and how they had both fallen asleep in Connie's office. Waiting for Jac to finish up in surgery so Sam could have an honest discussion with her.

They had waited in her hospital room for as long as they could, but Sam could see she was struggling and that it was taking all of the energy she had to try and remain strong in front of Grace. As she had forced herself into a sitting position so she could look through the 4109 photos that the youngster insisted on showing her.

As he'd watched her breathing become more and more laboured, he had carefully suggested to Grace that they should head to the hotel and get some sleep so that Connie could rest too. Of course as expected Grace had refused but just minutes later she had fallen asleep curled up in the chair next to her mother's bed. He had considered leaving her there but even though the 13-year-old had made amazing progress in her recovery he knew that she would be suffering in the morning. So they had finally reached a compromise and he had agreed that she could sleep on the couch in her mother's office, whilst he made do with a reclining chair he had borrowed from the stores.

"Hm," Sam mumbled as he popped the chair back into a sitting position.

"Can we go and see mum now?" Grace asked.

Sam looked up at the clock. "Gracie ... Sorry, Grace ... it's 6am."

"I know. But I'm awake and she's always awake early so ... please, can we?" Grace asked again, her voice full of pleading.

"Look Sweetheart, I know you're excited to see your mother but you need to understand that things aren't going to be like they used to be. She's sick, really sick and it's going to take weeks, maybe even month until she's even well enough to leave the hospital," Sam said, trying to be as gentle as possible but needing her to understand the gravity of the situation.

Grace sat back down on the sofa. "I know. I'm not stupid but ... if she sees us treating her differently then ... she will hate it ... I know things are different ... but sometimes it's ok to pretend because it isn't really lying ... so if I pretend that she's ok ... then maybe she will be."

"Oh-"

"No. Don't... just ... let me do it my way ok. Please dad ... this is what I need. I'm old enough to know what I need and this is it," Grace informed him. But trying to explain out loud exactly what was going through her head was harder than she had expected.

Sam nodded, seeing that his daughter was barely holding it together. "Ok," he agreed.

"So can we go and see her now?" Grace said once again repeating her question.

Standing up Sam nodded. "Yes. But first I need coffee."

"Me too," Grace agreed.

"You may be 13 Little Miss but coffee is still on the list of things you are still too young to try," Sam told her as they headed outside to the coffee cart.

"Can I have a hot chocolate?" Grace asked as Sam gave his order.

"Sure," Sam nodded relaying Grace's order.

"Make that 2 please," Grace said looking up at the barista. "Mum says everyone needs hot chocolate when they are sick."

Sam closed his eyes for a second. "Grace. Mum might-"

"I know she might not be able to drink it," Grace sighed, cutting him off. "But when I was in hospital she tried to keep things normal so ... this is normal. Ok."

"You're the boss," Sam smiled proudly watching as his little girl turned into a young lady before his very eyes.

Balancing his coffee and Connie's hot chocolate in one hand Sam pressed the button for for the lift. Almost instinctively pressing the button for CCU as Grace leaned against the wall.

"Yesterday ...all of that stuff that Charlie said that means that she's dying doesn't it?" Grace asked finally voicing her biggest fear out loud.

"Like I said yesterday Sweetheart; not if I can help it," Sam tried to reassure her even though he wasn't really sure of anything himself.

Grace looked up at her father, her eyes wide and terrified. "You can't fix everything dad. No matter how amazing you think you are."

"Grace-"

"Dad, if she's going to die I need you to promise me that you will tell me, that you won't try and protect me by hiding the truth from me. Because if you do then I will never ... ever forgive you," Grace told him, her voice low and full of warning.

Sam rested his free hand on her shoulder. "I promise. But we're not there yet Sweetheart, I know that's what everyone else may think but I know your mother ... and I know some of the best doctors in the World so as long as she's still fighting ... so are we. Ok?"

"Ok," Grace agreed.

Pressing the buzzer Sam waited until someone let them in before heading straight towards Connie's room. Surprised to find her awake and sat up in bed with a brightly coloured headscarf now wrapped neatly around her head.

"Mummy," Grace greeted, practically breaking into a run as she grabbed hold of the chair and pulled it over towards the bed.

"Hi Sweetie," Connie smiled, genuinely pleased to have visitors.

Grace took the cup off of her dad before handing it to her mother. "I got you hot chocolate. When I was sick you always used to make me hot chocolate."

"That's very thoughtful of you," Connie said lifting it to her lips and forcing her self to take a small sip. "You look so grown up, it's hard to believe you're only 12-years-old."

Looking down at her feet Grace tried to look anywhere but at her mother, not wanting her to see the flicker of hurt that still remained.

"What did I-"

"I'm 13-years-old now," Grace mumbled.

Lifting her hand up she looked at the screen of her watch. "God ... Gracie I am so, so sorry Sweetie ... I ... the date ... I should ... I had it all planned ... then ... God ... sorry ... please forgive me."

"It's ok mum ... I already forgave you and besides if you hadn't of forgotten we never would have realised something was wrong, because that's when I really knew and dad he knew too. It's what brought us here so it's ok," Grace reassured her as she watched her mother struggle to catch her breath.

"I'm ok," Connie reassured Sam as she watched him go to reach for the call button. "Honestly, this is nothing."

Sam sat down on the edge of the bed. "If you're sure?"

Waiting a few minutes until her breathing returned to normal, or at least as normal as it was going to at the moment she smiled at him. "See like I said ... nothing." `

"Do you like it?" Grace asked as she watched her take another sip of the hot chocolate.

Looking down at the cup Connie found herself surprised at just how much she really was enjoying it. "You know what? I really am enjoying it."

"Told ya,"Grace mouthed triumphantly at her father as she watched her mother finish the rest of the drink.

"Connie listen I was hoping to talk to Jac today, look at your scans, get a proper understanding of everything. I know what they are saying but ... please ... it would mean a lot to me if you would let me," Sam asked knowing that he would need her permission.

Although her body might be failing her at every hurdle Connie's mind was still as sharp as ever and she could read between the lines. She knew what he was really saying even though he had not voiced it out loud. She knew he was pleading with her to let him look, so that when the time came and the end was here he would be able to know that he had done everything he possibly could to stop the inevitable from happening.

Slowly as if her head was full of lead she nodded. "I'll speak to them, let them know that you can have unlimited access."

"Thank-you," Sam smiled.

"He'll find a way to help you," Grace tried to reassure her mother. "Dad's awesome. Maybe not as awesome as you at saving people but he's the second most awesome heart doctor there is," she concluded.

Sam smiled tightly at his daughter. "Thank-you. I think."

"Talk of the devil," Connie exclaimed as Jac Naylor walked into the room.

"Well, well, well look what the cat dragged in," Jac sung reaching out to shake Sam's hand.

"Shall we cut the niceties and get to the chase eh?" Connie suggested.

Jac nodded, opening up Connie's notes even though she had already committed them all to memory.

"Well I do have some good news today," Jac began deciding that she would start on a positive note. "The ECHO yesterday shows that your ejection fraction has improved from 32% to 41% since the last ECHO also your clotting factors have started to normalise ... however the chest CT is suggestive of advancing metastasis and your kidney function is still virtually nonexistent," she concluded.

"41% that's great ... that's borderline normal," Sam celebrated even though he knew the rest of the news was disappointing.

Connie considered her words carefully especially with Grace in the room. "How advanced?"

"2 new areas of shadowing in the left lung," Jac replied.

"Can I?" Connie asked, motioning towards the iPad.

Jac handed it to her as she walked over to the optiflow machine and altered the flow. "Sure. Today we're going to try weaning this a little if you tolerate that then I think we should think about weaning the milrinone."

"You're the boss," Connie agreed, her voice laced with a hint of sarcasm.

Jac tried to hide her smile as for the first time in months she was seeing a glimpse of the old Connie Beauchamp. And the woman she was before cancer started to take over every aspect of her life.

"Can I?" Sam asked, as Connie handed the iPad back to Jac.

Jac looked to Connie for permission. "Show him whatever he wants ... totally unlimited access."

"If you're sure?" Jac said, needing to be sure this was what Connie really wanted.

Connie smiled as Grace took hold of her hand needing her mother to know that she was there for her. "I'm sure."

"Grace how about you go downstairs and catch up with Charlie whilst Jac and I-"

Grace shook her head. "I'm staying here."

"She'll be alright," Connie reassured him. "It's hardly like I'm going to run off with her now is it?"

Sam shook his head. "It's not her I'm worried about," he whispered pleased to see Connie feeling well enough to joke around with him.

"We've got this dad," Grace sighed, rolling her eyes at him and motioning for him to leave.

Outside in the corridor Sam held the iPad out in front of Jac. "How sure are you that this is disease progression? I mean I know it's the obvious conclusion but they look very well defined ... the borders are ... look I know you might think I'm clutching at straws here but when was the last time you biopsied any of them?"

"When the first one appeared back in February," Jac remembered.

"Can I see the scan from back then?" Sam asked.

Taking the iPad back Jac scrolled through all of Connie's scan results before reaching the one in question.

Scrolling through the scans Sam felt his heart rate quicken. "These look different, the edges, the location ... these are soft tissue ... the other ones, the later ones they ... look different and look at the cardiac borders? There's been no reoccurrence of the primary tumour and the first secondary lesions that you biopsied they went after she started chemotherapy again."

"Look I know what you're thinking," Sam sighed. "That when we hear hooves we should think horses right? But I had this case in New York and we all thought it was disease progression as well but she was so young. She was only 7-years-old so they did a bronchoscopy and biopsied them all individually and only the primary tumour was malignant."

"Sam-"

Navigating the results system with ease Sam pulled up a chronology of her CRP results. "Look at this though her CRP had been consistently raised ..."

"Which is likely caused by an inflammatory response to the disease progression," Jac calmly explained. "Look don't you think if any of us thought for one minute there was something we could do then we would?"

"Look I'm not saying you haven't been doing everything possible for her but if this isn't disease progression and her EF has improved then kidney failure ... she can live with that and then when she's a year cancer free they can think about listing her for transplant," Sam surmised.

Jac nodded. "I know but-"

"All it would take is a bronchoscopy now I understand why you haven't done it before what with the DIC and progressing cardiac failure but she's responding to treatment now, she's fighting... surely it's worth the risk?" Sam argued.

"She doesn't want any more invasive procedures, she's exhausted Sam and she's been fighting this for over 6 months without a minute's respite. It was her decision to stop," Jac informed him.

Sam looked down at the most recent scan. "If I can get her to agree will you do the procedure?"

Reluctantly Jac nodded. "But Sam if she says no you need to respect that ok? Like I said these last few months ... you have no idea ... this is her battle, her body, don't take that last bit of control away from her ok?"

"I won't but if I'm right Jac ... she'll have her future back and Grace will not have to go through the agony of saying goodbye," Sam said feeling hopeful for the first time since arriving back in Holby.

As Jac watched him walk back into the room she closed the iPad down. "And neither will you."

CASUALTY – CASUALTY – CASUALTY

Sam had been trying to find the right moment all day but with Grace refusing to leave the room; even when Connie napped it was virtually impossible.

"Grace. Sweetie," Sam said trying to wake his sleeping daughter.

"Mummy?" Grace panicked as he eyes shot open.

Sam turned her in his arms so she could see her mother. "She's fine, the same as she was when you fell asleep."

"Good," Grace smiled tightly, trying to hide her fear.

"Remember what I said Sweetie? It's ok to be scared," Sam reminded her.

Grace looked over at her mother. "I'm not scared Dad. Mum is the toughest person in the world, I just don't like seeing her in pain."

"Listen grandma is downstairs and she would really like to see you, I know you don't want to leave your mum but she's going to be sleeping for a little while yet and I was thinking maybe grandma could take you into town to get that book you were talking about earlier, that way when your mum is awake maybe the two of you could read it together," Sam suggested.

Considering his words for a few minutes Grace nodded. "I think she would really like that."

"So do I," Sam agreed.

"When she wakes up make sure she knows straight away that I'll be back. I don't want her to think I've left her, not again," Grace made him promise.

Sam nodded, wrapping his arms around his daughter as he texted Audrey to ler her know it was ok to come up. "I promise."

Leaning over the bed Grace kissed her mother. "I love you Mummy. And I'll be right back and then we can read that book together, you know the one I was telling you about?"

"God," Audrey exclaimed as she stepped into the room.

"Mum, please," Sam pleaded. "Not in front of Grace," she whispered as he wrapped his arms around her.

Audrey nodded. "When you said she was sick ... I ... God."

"I'm ready," Grace announced.

"Someone's in a hurry," Audrey chuckled. "Too much of a hurry to even say hello."

Grace rolled her eyes before wrapping her arms around her grandmother. "Hello Grandma. Bye Dad."

"Bye Sweetie," Sam smiled as he watched her go.

Before leaving the room Grace turned her attention back to her dad. "You'll be here the whole time I'm gone right? She won't be on her own will she?"

"I'm not going anywhere," Sam promised her.

When she was sure that she and Sam were alone in the room Connie opened her eyes. "I wish you would."

"You don't mean that, you love my company," Sam teased.

"Yeah about as much as I love peeing through a catheter," Connie retorted.

Sam pulled the chair back over and sat down next to the bed. "Connie."

"This sounds serious," Connie worried. "Please no ... I know I said I didn't want you here but you can't take her away, not again ... not when I don't know how much longer I might have with her. Please Sam."

"No. No," Sam reassured her. "Grace and I are not going anywhere. I want to talk to you about your scans. Look I know what they are saying and I know you don't want any more surgeries but ... the lesions ... the nodules ... I'm not so sure they are disease progression," he explained.

Connie shook her head, trying to move away from him. "No. You don't get to do this. You don't get to walk in here and believe you know better than the multiple second opinions I have already had. You don't get to do it Sam, I know you want to ... hope ... but I can't ... I need to be realistic Sam. I need ... hope is dangerous when it's false."

"But what if it's not?" Sam retorted, needing her to listen to him.

"Look the primary tumour has gone and the initially biopsied nodules have gone too and after the chemotherapy the only areas that have appeared ... their different ... the distribution is different ... the borders, the margins ... "

"But I'm symptomatic of disease progression," Connie reminded him.

Sam shook his head. "Or you could be symptomatic of something else."

"All other tests came back clear," Connie countered.

Sam reached out, his hand hovering above hers as he considered his actions for a few seconds before letting it drop to the bed. "All I'm asking Connie is that you let Jac do a bronchoscopy, you're DIC has resolved, the risk of complications is low ... please ... if you agree to this ... I promise I won't interfere anymore."

"Sam-"

"Look Connie ... when you're gone that's it, despite what I might have to tell Grace about how you're in a better place, reunited with everyone else that we've ever lost the truth is when we die that's it. But Grace and I ... well we'll still be here, without you and if that moment comes then I need to be able to tell Grace I did everything I possible could to save you. I need to be able to tell myself that too."

"Ok," Connie agreed her voice barely audible.

"Look I-"

Holding up her hand Connie cut him off. "I said ok. Tell Jac I'll have the bronchoscopy."

"Right, yes," Sam stammered genuinely shocked that she had agreed so easily as he had been expecting a battle.

"I'm not doing it until Grace gets back though," Connie explained needing to see her daughter one more time just in case something did happen.

Sam nodded. "I'll speak to Jac and arrange a time."

"Whatever you need to do," Connie said, her voice flat and void of emotion as she tried to ignore the look of hope in Sam's eyes because she couldn't allow herself to go down that road again. Not when she had spent so long trying to come to terms with the reality of her situation.

"Connie-"

Slowly she turned away from him as much as the chest tubes and dialysis catheter would allow. "Sam please ... I'll have the test but I don't want to talk, not yet."

Sitting back in the chair Sam smiled sadly. "Ok. But I'm not going anywhere, I can't, I promised Grace."

"Fine," Connie relented, closing her eyes and trying to get some sleep so that she was as rested as possible when Grace got back.

It took just minutes as she fell asleep, exhausted by both the increase in physical activity and the emotions of the day. Whilst she was more grateful than she could ever say to have Grace back in her life hiding her own emotions was taking everything she had.

"I'm not giving up," Sam whispered as he took out his computer and started researching every possible variant.

CASUALTY – CASUALTY – CASUALTY

"Deep in the meadow hidden far away, a cloak of leaves, a moonbeam ray, forget your woes and let your troubles lay, and when it's morning again they'll wash away. Here it's safe, here it's warm, here the daisies guard you from harm. Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true. Here is the place where I love you," Grace read as she watched her mum carefully, trying to figure out exactly what was going on inside her head.

"Connie," Sam spoke up, reminding them of his presence.

Connie looked up at the clock. "I know."

"What's going on?" Grace wondered, sensing the newly settled tension between her parents.

"The doctors want to take your mum for some more tests," Sam explained.

Grace nodded, leaning on the bed so she was right next to her mother's ear. "Promise me you'll come back?"

"I promise," Connie assured her daughter.

"What are they going to do?" Grace wondered.

Sam pulled his daughter gently out of the way as the hospital porters prepared Connie for surger. Something which had taken almost an hour seeing as she was currently attached to a multitude of life saving machines and infusions.

"They are going to put a tube down her throat and then insert a camera into her lungs. That way they can get a good look at the spots that they are worried about and then when they are sure it's safe Jac will cut a little bit of them away, so that the specialists can look at them closely and see what they are made," Sam explained.

Grace held her mum's hand. "I already know, sugar and spice and all things nice, after all that's what all girls are made of, right Dad?"

"I don't think anyone's ever called you sugary before," Sam laughed, despite the tension of the situation as he gave Connie's hand a reassuring squeeze, his reluctance of earlier long forgotten.

As Grace watched them wheel her out she followed her mum to the door. "Don't hurt her," she ordered as the bed disappeared from sight. "Because we need to finish reading The Hunger Games," she whispered as she let herself collapse into her father's arms, the emotions of the day finally becoming too much for the 13-year-old to handle.


End file.
